Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Canada has crack?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.