Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?