Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.