Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Not today. 😅
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.