I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”