Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night