Otters drive ottermobiles.
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything