I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
*jazz hands*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
😅😅😅
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
this post was so formative to me
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk