i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.