15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.