How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.