{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
December birthdays be like…
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I see your IQ test came back negative
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.