HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.