That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”