[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Meanwhile in Portland…
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded