I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.