My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?