My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.