Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t