Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.