let’s play a round of hopscotch πβ π»ππΌ
You Might Also Like
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICHβS LIKE 3 DAYS
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I am using the Netflix account of my
β’little sister’s
β’prom date’s
β’ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Even though it means heβs a serial killer, itβs nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I donβt have a phone.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Stop sending me this shit.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: Well, Iβm off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: Youβre a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If Christian Baleβs voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.