You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
i wish i could marry a nap
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
why would tinder want me to say this
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.