I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?