Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Very good! 👍😂
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I’m not wrong
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.