“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I thought this was funny lol
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.