Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with