Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.