Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down