I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one