UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.