Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
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If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.