Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.