“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Quadruple digit IQ
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me