I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.