I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota