Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
greetings!
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Milk Cube
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer