This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Wait a second…
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My favorite farside!!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner