Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wikigenius
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.