I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
want me to check your oil?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I falcon love using swear birds
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*