“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
You Might Also Like
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.