Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.