I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest