[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.