me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys