But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Ummm
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.