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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.