Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.