Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting