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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
A leaf blower, but for people.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.