Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
You Might Also Like
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Interior design 👌
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.